Treating Anxiety with a Pill Wasn’t for ME
I’m not judging people who use a substance to deal with anxiety. I wished back in 2019 that it would have worked for me, but it didn’t. That’s why I want to share my story. It’s important because I’m sure that there are a lot of people out there like me who need to know it’s possible for some of us to heal without the use of a substance; natural or otherwise.
In About Me, I introduced what really started me on the journey I embarked on in 2019. Anxiety. To both help and prove to me that the chronic nausea I was seeking help for was due to anxiety, my physician towards the end of 2018 asked if I wanted some Xanax. Turns out, amazing little pill. I had heard of it but didn’t really know what it was or what its uses are. His summary was that it settles your nerves (anxiety) but should not be taken more than 1x or 2x a week as it is habit-forming. He suggested I try it out on an extremely difficult day to see if it would resolve the anxiety and my overall mood.
Hearing that it is a habit-forming drug made me pretty hesitant. My general experience with anything more than an antibiotic hasn’t been the greatest. I often fall in the category of folks who experience those side-effects in tiny print at the bottom of the tv screen when a pharmaceutical is being advertised. I filled the prescription with the hope that I wouldn’t feel the need to use it.
I tried it. Taking half the dose he prescribed worked within the hour and greeted me with a wave of calm from head to toe. No kidding. Nausea - gone. Nerves - gone. I felt like myself on my most awesome days and could eat like a champ. Wow. Okay, maybe this Dr. was onto something. The feeling of awesomeness only lasted a few hours for me, but I could see how this could be used to treat occasional anxiety (i.e. nervous travelers). Thinking that I would probably get over this excess anxiety in a short amount of time, I came up with a plan to ration out the quantity of pills he prescribed (0 refills) and “just relax” (eye roll). Perhaps the most annoying thing you can say to someone with difficulty taming their anxiety are those two words. Really? Oh, you mean all I have to do is go to the spa and work in a downward dog or two and it’ll just go away? Cool. Hadn’t thought of that. LOL.
I Went Back to Ask for Something Long-Term
By the start of the new year, I could feel that my symptoms were both worsening and coming on more frequently. Crap. Really? I had been laid-off in November 2018 and didn’t see how I’d be on my A-game to start interviewing and eventually kick-ass should someone want to hire me. With my tail between my legs, I went back to the Dr. and asked for something that I could take long-term to treat anxiety because he was probably onto something with his diagnosis. The Dr.’s suggestion was to start a SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor); Lexapro. He told me that unlike Xanax, this wouldn’t work right away. It’s gotta be in your system for a couple of weeks before you start to feel it’s benefits. The first day I popped the pill turned into the first night I ever went a full night without being able to fall asleep. Holy shit. Insomnia. I remember the panic that surged in the middle of the night when that word hit me. Before this point, my sleep health was definitely not optimal. But this had never happened. Could it be the Lexapro? I wasn’t sure as sleep had already started to become difficult at this point. And there was more…..
It’s challenging for me to find the right words to describe how I felt the next day. I felt much worse than I had the previous day, but my initial thought was that my anxiety was just getting worse. Nausea was back. I literally felt like I had something Crawling in my skin (R.I.P Chester Bennington). New low. I had never felt this way before. Nothing I had ever been through made me experience anxiety to this level. Family trauma, awful. But I had never felt like this. High levels of stress getting through a Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree in Electrical Engineering, not easy. But I had never felt like this. I felt BROKEN AND DEBILITATED. This wasn’t physical pain like when you have a sports injury or recover from surgery, but I absolutely felt hurt down to my core. The pain was inside, and I struggled for words to even know how to describe it to my husband.
I continued taking the pill for a few days thinking that my anxiety had gotten so much worse that I had no choice. There was no way I could function if I didn’t get rid of these feelings. After all, the Dr. said in a couple weeks I would start feeling better. I just needed to hang on for a couple of weeks, and I would feel better. My first night of no sleep turned into 2 then 3 and up to 4 nights of never falling asleep until I finally crashed. After finally getting some sleep, I suppose it gave me the clarity to see that these worsened symptoms could be side-effects of Lexapro. I stopped. I also read that side-effects of this drug and others that are used to treat anxiety, could actually be anxiety and insomnia. Great. So which one was it? Me or the pills?
Unfortunately, there was only one way to find out. I suppose this was the point where I intentionally started to use my body as my laboratory to determine what was best for me. The very same day I decided not to pop the pill in the morning, a lot of these new scary anxiety symptoms started to subside. The longer I went without taking it, the better I started to feel. Was it in my head? Could be. I’m not saying I was getting back to myself; just that the newer symptoms were going away. I went a couple of weeks without taking the Lexapro but was still experiencing issues with nausea, panic attacks and difficulty sleeping. Sleep deprivation really fucks you up. Couldn’t rely on Xanax; not an everyday pill to be taken long-term.
I Gave it a Second Try
In my desperation to just feel better and get my life back, I decided to give it a go with Lexapro one more time. Same thinking as before, just deal with the side-effects for a couple weeks and it might get better as time goes on. Same reaction. Shitty sleep turned into no sleep for several days at a time. During the time I was taking Lexapro, I didn’t feel like hurting myself, but I vividly remember walking throughout my house in the middle of the night thinking I could understand why people become suicidal. That’s how fucked up I felt taking that little pill. Why? Have you ever been in so much physical or emotional pain that you can’t imagine getting any better? I have. This time it was emotional pain, but in 2016 I went through an abdominal myomectomy that put me in the most physical pain I’ve ever been in. My body felt so broken then, that I couldn’t imagine ever getting to a point where I’d be running, biking and going to the gym again. Much like those days in 2016, in January of 2019 my mind felt like such a wreck, I couldn’t imagine getting myself out of this “hole”. For the second time, I quit Lexapro.
Moving On
I’m grateful things didn’t work out with Lexapro. That being said, since my trial and error with it, I have talked to a couple of people who have used it with success. So, if it works for you, FANTASTIC! The bad about it not working out for me? It didn’t work out for me. The good about it not working out for me? It led me to following my husband’s suggestion of finding a therapist to help me sort through all this. Ultimately, I started on a quest to heal myself in a way that is more sustainable for ME.
